


Crocker-Pyrope Investigative Services, LLC

by AradialSymmetry



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 16:38:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2628794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AradialSymmetry/pseuds/AradialSymmetry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When some of Jane's ingredients go missing, she knows exactly the friend to call to help her sniff out the culprit. Detective shenanigans are just as much fun as baking, anyway!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crocker-Pyrope Investigative Services, LLC

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted on [tumblr](http://aradial-symmetry.tumblr.com/post/102824575639/crocker-pyrope-investigative-services-llc).

"I got here as quickly as I could!" Terezi strode into the kitchen, sounding slightly out of breath. "Is this the crime scene?" 

"Yes, indeed it is," Jane replied, not yet turning to face her friend. She had already gotten out her detective kit, and was busy dusting the countertop and cabinets for fingerprints. "And I'm glad that my dear friend-slash-partner is here to assist me in the investigation." 

"Are there any leads?" Terezi asked, in between conspicuously sniffing around the area. 

"Alas, there are none to speak of! In retrospect it was a bit silly to look for prints on such a high-use kitchen counter. And most of the intelligible prints on the cabinets are my own." Jane grumbled, staring intently through her magnifying glass.

"Then are you saying you're a suspect?" Terezi feigned a serious tone.

"Golly, of course not! How could I even steal something of my own, anyway?" 

"Don't play dumb, Jane! You could very well have faked the theft for purposes of fraud, or to frame someone else! I cannot let our friendship blind me to your potential deceit," Terezi said, leaning in next to Jane and sniffing loudly. But she couldn't contain herself for long, and soon broke out into a fit of giggles.

"Hoo hoo hoo! Of course one must always be vigilant about such things," Jane turned towards her friend with a smile. Terezi was grinning as widely as always, and appeared to be just finishing tying something to the handle of one of the drawers. It was the end of a length of yellow tape reading 'POL1C3 L1N3 DO NOT 3NT3R' that was enclosing a portion of the kitchen. Jane groaned a bit. "Do we really need the caution tape, though, Terezi? It's just a missing bag of candy."

"Of course! No crime is too small," Terezi said, her grin replaced by a look of determination as she sniffed through the cabinets. "And it wasn't just any bag of candy! It was a bag of peanut butter cups that you were going to use to make your famous peanut-butter-cup cake! A crime that deprives us of such a delicious treat is very serious."

"Yes, I suppose it is," Jane chuckled at her friend's enthusiasm. Looking around further, she saw that Terezi had already deployed a squadron of scalemates to defend the perimeter of their 'crime scene.' Jane could never get enough of her friend's adorable plushies. And fortunately for Jane, Terezi had been happy to help her alchemize a few of her own. She uncaptchalogued her favorite scalemate, light blue and adorned with an impressive handlebar mustache, and gave it a hug.

"Excellent, we could use Inspector Sugarwhiskers' expertise," Terezi said with a laugh. She leaned over to pat the scalemate's head as Jane hugged it. "He will certainly help us find the perpetrator and prepare their execution!" 

"Executions? That sounds far too harsh," Jane rolled her eyes. Terezi's legislacerator shtick could be a little much sometimes. "I think a more appropriate punishment would simply be to deny the thief any baked goods for a time." 

"Fiiiine," Terezi groaned playfully. "We can apply your human laws if you insist, Miss Crocker." She then started cackling again and leaned her elbow on Jane's shoulder. "But we still need to find who it is! And get them to replace the stolen candy so you can start baking." 

"Of course!" Jane said, turning to hug her friend. "But there don't seem to be any physical clues around! So perhaps we should start interviewing eyewitnesses."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Uhhh, I'm not really sure, what happened to the candy," Tavros said. He had walked into the kitchen not long after Jane and Terezi had started considering potential witnesses - or suspects - that they wanted to interview. Tavros wasn't particularly high on their list, but they sat him down for some questions anyway. "But, I don't think, really, that I would have come back if I were the thief, which I'm not, of course..." 

"And what if you had? What if you stole the candy and then came back to see what sort of chaos you'd caused?" Terezi glared at him. 

"Umm, I don't think I'd do that," Tavros shifted uncomfortably. "Really, that sounds more like a Vriska thing to do." 

"Yes, of course," Jane piped up. "We're simply collecting information here, after all. There's no particular reason to believe that you, or any other given individual, is the suspect yet." 

"Hmmm," Terezi mulled things over for a moment. "Yes, that is true. Still - "

"What the fuck is going on in this godforsaken kitchen?" Karkat yelled in from the doorway, cutting off what Terezi had been about to say. He stormed in grumpily, making his way over to the refrigerator. "Is this some sort of sick joke? Or am I dreaming again and the horrorterrors put me in the worst bubble imaginable?" 

"Karkat, we're conducting an investigation into a crime. Please calm down and let us interview the witness," Terezi said matter-of-factly, turning to face Karkat as he stomped across the floor. 

"Yeah, well, what's with all of the goddamned dragons? Is this designed to make me want to rip out my think pan?" Karkat gestured around at the large array of scalemates that Jane and Terezi had set up. "Or are you just trying to harass Tavros there?"

"Actually, I like all of the dragons," Tavros offered with a small smile, patting one of the scalemates sitting next to him. "They make me feel, pretty comfortable, I think. Dragons are good friends, usually..." 

Karkat blinked in disbelief. He finally reached the refrigerator, and continued voicing his ire. "Yeah, whatever. But this asshole, does he really need to be here?" Karkat said, pointing to one of Jane's mustachioed scalemates that was nearby. He slammed the fridge door open, knocking the plush dragon over.

"That is Stenographer Cantaloupesnozz, an integral part of our court's workings! And _she_ does not take kindly to you." Terezi grumbled, hurrying over to set the scalemate upright again.

"Yes, so, Karkat," Jane wasn't sure what to make of the arguing between the trolls, but she wanted to get back to the subject at hand. "We're trying to determine who stole some candy. Namely, a big bag of mini Reese's peanut butter cups I had in the cabinet over there. Do you know anything about its whereabouts?" 

Karkat closed the refrigerator door, having retrieved a drink. After hearing Jane's question, he just glared for a few moments, then brought his empty hand to his forehead. "Are you trying to make me shit a rage snake? Am I hallucinating when I'm hearing that this entire moronic setup is because of one missing bag of candy? Can't you just buy another one and not force the rest of us into your shame-globe-fondling fantasies like this?" 

"Well Karkat? I didn't hear a no. Are _you_ the thief?" Terezi cackled while sliding up next to Karkat and sniffing suspiciously.

"No!!!! What the fuck is wrong with all of you?" Karkat threw his hands up in the air and hurried off. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Nope! 'Tuna and I've been out boarding all afternoon!" Latula said with a shrug. After interviewing Tavros, Jane and Terezi had proceeded to quiz everyone who came by the kitchen in the meanwhile. Latula had walked in to get some water bottles, but just like everyone else she said she had no idea. 

"Hmm, I see. I suppose you're free to go, then," Jane said, jotting Latula's statements down in her notebook. She wasn't sure where she and Terezi were going to find any leads at this point, but they certainly weren't going to give up.

"Well good luck! I hope you find your candy, that cake sounds hella delicious." Latula smiled and turned to walk away. As she passed by Terezi, she reached over to muss up her hair a bit. "See ya, lil radsis!" 

"Heheh, well, bye," Terezi called out after her, a pleased smile on her face. She then turned back to Jane, and her expression quickly morphed into a scowl. "I don't know, detective! It seems our case has gone cold. Do you have any idea where to sniff out any more leads?" 

"Unfortunately not! I've failed to uncover any more traces of evidence," Jane sighed, flipping through her notes. "However, I may suggest that to prevent future crimes, we install some security cameras. I know CrockerCorp offers a wide range of surveillance equiment," she said, tapping her pen impatiently against her lip. 

"Yes, of course! Proper legislacerator protocol requires blanket surveillance of all premises anyway," Terezi replied. Then a grin grew across her face again, and after cackling briefly she added, "Or we could ask one of our time-travelling friends to install a camera in the past! That could solve our issue entirely." 

"I think we would have to consult with them about whether that would cause any unstable time loops," Jane said. She pointed around the corners of the kitchen. "After all, there's no cameras here now. Though hmm, we could simply ask them to go back in time and try to observe the nefarious deed itself. I know your friend Aradia is the adventuring type, hoo hoo!"

"Yes, of course! Brilliant!" Terezi cackled in response, wrapping her arm around Jane's shoulders and embracing her friend. "I knew you would figure out how to break the case! Nothing gets past the discerning senses of the detective firm of Crocker and Pyrope." 

Jane was about to respond when a voice piped up from behind them. "Um, excuse me ladies, but is there something going on in here?" Porrim asked. Jane and Terezi turned to see her and Kanaya on the other side of the kitchen, near the cabinet where the candy had been stolen from. Porrim had already ducked under Terezi's caution tape, and retrieved a plastic bag from her sylladex. "I'm just here to replace this bag of candy. I took one like it by mistake earlier when Kanaya and I were going to watch a movie. I must have mixed up which shelf was hers!" She opened the cabinet and placed the bag onto the shelf. "Once we realized the mistake we alchemized a new one." 

"Well, shucks!" Jane said sheepishly, walking over and looking at the new candy. It was indeed a bag of mini Reese's cups, larger than the one that was there originally. "We were actually looking all around for the missing candy! I was getting ready to bake a peanut-butter-cup cake when I noticed it was gone, so we launched an investigation." 

"Oh, dear. Well, I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience," Porrim replied. She then smiled and added, "I must say your baking is always wonderful! I'd be happy to help out with that, or at least do some dishes. Hopefully that would make up for the delay we caused." 

"Yes, I would make the same offer," Kanaya added. "Or alternatively, perhaps I could help patch up some of your scalemates? You really should treat them more carefully, some of the seams are popping apart and several of them quite urgently need to be laundered. And this poor one needs some mustache styling," she said, picking up one particular dragon with a disheveled patch of hair sticking out from its snout. 

"Excellent!" Terezi called out, banging a gavel against the kitchen counter. "The judge accepts the defendants' guilty pleas! And in deference to the jurisdiction of human laws, she assigns the recommended punishment of community service. Court adjourned!" She grinned and quickly started gathering up the scalemates.

Kanaya sighed, picking up some of the particularly dirty and beaten-up scalemates for repair. "Terezi, admittedly I am not an expert in human laws, but I am quite sure it is a conflict of interest for the investigator in a crime to also serve as the presiding judge." 

Terezi chuckled in response as she removed the caution tape from the kitchen, giving Jane and Porrim full access to the counterspace they were starting to spread out bowls and pans on. "Yeah, but what's the fun in that?" she said, picking up an especially large orange scalemate with a thick horseshoe mustache and tossing it to Kanaya. "Bailiff Habanerospikes will escort you from the courtroom!"


End file.
